I Don’t Want to Lock up my Feelings

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When I was home for the holidays, a basket full of papers and old chachkies was handed to me. I was meant to sort through it and throw stuff out. It was like a grab-bag of old family memories—things that brought a smile to my face, others that made me grimace. I pulled out a purple book, decorated with Esmerelda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I immediately recognized it as the first journal I ever kept—I was 11. An age that I was unafraid of my passions, an age that offered a soft FULL heart and a spirt that, as an adult, I can’t quite find. As I read some of the brilliantly sweet things I wrote, I felt sad that I ended up taking such a violent detour, I felt inspired by my young self, and I laughed…hard.

I was a certifiable love addict, dreamer, and  codependent. But I also had the kind of innocent wisdom that we can use today, in this angering time. I can only hope it brings a smile to your face as well, reminding you of the simpler things and inspiring you to love.

“A journal is thoughts and feelings. It’s important. It’s called…MY BOOK OF TRUE FEELINGS.” 

“I’m excited. Did you ever know what you want and then never let go of that feeling of wanting and nervousness if you’re gonna take the right road or not? Well, I want to be an actress. I have that feeling. It’s actually kind of a scary feeling. I’m feeling tired. Goodnight.” 

“Why do I want some dreamy way of getting a boyfriend? Ugh hormones….not really.” 

“I want a baby. Not like every other girl wants a baby.More than that. I feel like I could be the real #1 mom. I dream about that day where I get all sweaty and push so hard and cry and say ‘it’s a girl/boy’ I’m going to love that day and that baby more than anything.” 

“I can’t wait for that moment where I know that I’m falling in love. I want to say I love you to a man and mean it. I don’t know why some people say it when they don’t mean it. I know what love is. And I’m lucky that I know what it feels like and I love the feeling. It feels like nothing could happen. You’re nourished. It’s like sweetness of sugar which always gets you hyper and excited. You close your eyes and dream up this wonderful and clueless feeling and have that feeling every minute of the day. I hear the whistle of the wind and the beat of my heart. And at the same time I hear ‘I love you.’ “

“I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided to look at the way things are better than worse. I want to tell you about this book. I got it from Oma and Opa and used it as a diary. But I wrote stupid things so I ripped those pages out and made it the book of true feelings. I took the lock off because I don’t want to lock up my feelings. I don’t even hide the book!” 

“Mom had to get a tissue sample this morning. I was so nervous. It felt like the world stopped and I had to hold it in my hands until I knew Mom was OK. It was hard for me. It took strength. She’s OK. I was relieved when I came home from school and found out it was just menopause. The world began again and as I opened my sweaty hands and released my breath everything felt like a rose at that moment.” 

“Some people can have so much fun spinning in circles but sometimes you have to watch your step. You could end up falling.” 

“I’ve been unreal lately. I’m not sure exactly what I’m talking about but it’s a feeling that I have. What’s next? The feeling of lateness, cruelness, sadness? If only we could know ahead of time.You have to take a guess and when your guess is wrong it could do damage.”If heaven has ponies and big fluffy clouds then why does earth have to be fighting  and littering. Why must we have wars and death? I wish everyday could be a happy day. I wish that for one day nobody would fire a gun or do anything to hurt themselves or another person. I want to keep writing forever and ever.” 

“I feel sad lately. One day makes no difference all it is, is the day before today and days pass so quickly sometimes. I feel like I’m not even living. I dream of getting married. I used to dream about going into Junior High School. Soon I’ll go to High School. I still remember Kindergarten. I feel like I’m 100 years old.” 

“Why do some people like to be mean and make fun of the handicapped? The answer is they want to fit in. It makes me sad.” 

“I love someone. I feel it. I wish I knew who! I’m beginning to feel cries on the inside like my stomach is bubbling. I think I like Dennis. I THINK. I know I like Nick. I KNOW. As a matter of fact, I think I love him.”

“I started crying but I don’t know why. Something hurts me but I don’t know what.” 

“I’m full of tears lately. Over the silliest things. If everything could be exactly as you waned then it wouldn’t be life. I wish that everyday we could have something to look forward to. Some people have that. What’s going on? I’m changing…almost like Jekyl and Hyde. I wish I could wake up happy every morning, but I can’t. And that’s life.” 

 

3 years later, I wrote one entry:

“I’ve taken a new outlook on life: Fuck the world. It’s working good.” 

Here’s to getting back to our purer hearts.

Fun and love,

Jackie

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